Revv22's Blog

December 28, 2012

Taking it in the chin.. Dusting off. . And blood spit!!!

Filed under: Uncategorized — revv22 @ 5:50 am

Of all my years on this earth, i have to say that 2012, or atleast the second half of it, has been the most challenging, exciting and meaningful period. I found real meaning for my being in existence. I have been granted opportunities to apply courage, wisdom and serenity in this quest for conformity and acceptance; rebelion and agency. I have been challenged with responsibilities that i have taken in stride, Perfomed to the best of my ability all times.

Many times my best hasnt been enough to satisfy everyone. Actually, i have never been able to satisfy everyone.

I have taken it in the chin like one of the many new found friends has constantly advised. I have been guided by three things as she has also adviced, truth, fairness and justice.

I have made good friends, friends of convinience, enemies and acquaintances that i would not wish on anyone. I have been lauded, pelted with tomatoes and cabages. I have been accused of not being jesus enough by the very people who say we dont need a jesus. I have been pontious pilate,Been barabas, been judas, been the guy who nails together the cross. Been mary magdalene and sometimes felt like i have been herod.

I have met and liked people and turned around to lynch them without the help of a mob. The mob has cried for blood but like a fully packed roman era collusium, they have had the luxury of watching from the bleaches. Only a few times have they come in contact with the blood splatter. A few droplets for being at the front row when the action moves from the center of the sandy arena.

In few months i have made sacrifices; if not for anyone else for myself. Sacrifised comfort for freedom. I have taken out my mouth guard so that i am able to spit and enjoy a drag of cigarette, during a bare knuckle fight. I have been political and apolitical, been rational and idiotic, been selfish and selfless but the constant shadow has been the fear for insignificance.

The fear of Inconsequence and lack of recognition has at certain points made me arrogant but many times made me consultative. I have come to learn that consultation doesnt necessarily make everyone happy but it makes them feel relevant. I have had a problem with shaking the deep sitting position i have on advice taking and information: that information is nothing when it is static, the power comes from what you do with it and when you use it. I found myself increasingly unattracted to the power. Increasingly unattracted to a recognition in name with little in deed.

I have been modest, diplomatic when i felt it was necessary. But have also been brutal and firm and have said the shortest and most powerful prayer before making some decisions, “fuck it!”. What i have learned to be the best way to cover your ass is honesty. I have discovered that not all who are courteous have good intentions and not all who have good intentions are courteous. I am still struglling to figure out why we need secrets. Am not very good at keeping them. I find them as a very unfair way of acquring power and status over each other.

I dont suffer fools! I know full well that what may seem reasonable to me may be invisible to many but i have not, will not compromise reason for harmonious coexistence. It will kill me faster than a fruit spiked with snake poison.

I have lost friends to principle, family to new found world views; opportunities to an afinity for meaning and i have looked back and so that it was ok. I have met people with beautiful hearts and minds and have had the pleasure to engage with those, beatiful enough to be awed in the company of them but still, no matter how beautiful, i have manage to brake some of them. I have wondered whether i can feel loss and found that i may be more affected by the feelings of people when they loose me. I have died in plane crushes, earthquakes, shark attacks, cardiac arrests, stabbings and road accidents and have felt nothing of the beyond that is so magnificently spoken of. I have killed, with my bare hands those who have tried to harm the ones i love.

I have grown weary of constant worry and become disinterested of meaningful debates that seem to always only be reaching the already converted. In this year i have come to see the world as a particle too big for our own eyes and too small from a grander perspective. Has this atomic view made me feel insignificant? No. I have seen how a single sick cell can make the tissues and the organs non functional and cause collapse. I have seen how the skewed perception and rejection of difference has caused suffering and strungled diversity. I have seen how individuals and tiny groups have changed the undesired status quos of large entities through dialogue and discourse, through incitment and action, through, mobolizing and politiking. I have seen it done with good intention in the wrong way, but also with the wrong motivations leaving a trail of distrution.

I am tired. My weariness revitalizes me. Fatigue motivates me coz i know if it makes you tired, it takes alot of effort. If it takes a lot of effort, it is a lot of work. It its a lot of work, there is still much to be done. If there is much to be done then i cannot rest, and therefore i cant be tired.

The fight goes on. Within me and outside of me. Above, below and around me. Another bell, another round. Smile


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