Revv22's Blog

October 6, 2011

Love is …

Filed under: Uncategorized — revv22 @ 7:05 am

Do you know what love is? I mean do you really know what it is?! Am not sure if I do, but am sure I once did… Its still a vague memory in my mind long buried in my subconscious alongside my belief in santa clause. Yes, I did once believe in him to. Now I know some of you reading this are probably wondering how a Kenyan kid believes in “father christmas” years before the internet pervades all aspects of social life.. Well there was a time when the colour TV set was the only ‘window’ affordable for the average family to peak into the lives of peoples far away. Postage stamps, postcards and the ever magical Coca Cola adverts kept every kids imagination beaming with the belief that every christmas, a man with a huge white beard, red suit and black boots has a habit of climbing down chimneys and leaving gifts for deserving kids. It didn’t matter that the only structure with a chimney around where I grew up was a waste incinerator within the compound of the catholic run Jamaa Maternity Hospital. Or even that deserving meant being above position 6 at the end year exam; all I knew was that he existed up until I was 12 when I was suddenly surrounded by adolescents and B, my first girlfriend, thought it was “cute” that I believed in father christmas.
Its different with love though because with Santa the image remains vivid even when you grow to believe less and less. With love, the belief remains as you struggle to remember how it felt like the last time you were in it.. Kind of senseless I think because it feels different every other time. Every thing and everyone we fall in love with, we do so in a special. Perhaps that’s the reason why one is always inclined to ask “what do you love about me?” the first time you say you love them. And if you were sincere when you said it, it doesn’t really matter how you answer that question. All the nervousness, slips of the tongue, stammering will seem adorable to the listener. I happen to believe that you can never truly be in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way for you. Love is a reaction to a trigger factor. Its like a receiver tuning in to a particular frequency that’s transmitting your hearts desires.
When your receiver is turned on, your silent transmitter also boots up and you happen to stay in the same wavelength. You are able to understand and be ok with who ever you are communicating with. You get so comfortable together and the only fear is that something external comes and scramble the interconnection quality.

I remember doing silly things to get B’s attention, like getting a friend to pick on her so that I could come to the rescue. I remember giving her money one day and writing her a letter the next, taking strolls after school to no where in particular. We were so good together that we were picked to be the lead dancers in the school dance at the drama festival; Pekeshe and Mwadilo- a traditional Giriama wedding ceremony.

I must have known what love was back then, for I surely can’t remember giving a serious thought to having any other girlfriend; and never feeling insecure enough to be jealous when other guys came on to her albeit the fact that neither of us were angels. What puzzles me is that I can’t put my finger down on what exactly motivated me. As much as I remember almost every detail of what I did, I can’t seem to remember why I did those things just to be with her.

That first encounter with a girl was, for so long, the stencil from which my subsequent relationships were traced and with time the few who managed to access my heart made alterations to that stencil. In fact only two other people have ever done this, N and K. Its too hurtful to talk about N and the story about K is too wild for some feeble minds so I won’t go into those just yet.

At the moment, some one else seems to posses the ability to draw stake from heart. To remove this sharp, crude wooden artillery that’s was driven into my heart the last time I was heartbroken to numbness. The story is too premature to tell, but I have a feeling, a tingle sensation in my lips, a faster beat in my rhythm whenever I think about it, a feeling that I may have fallen in love and don’t know it. I mean how could I, am the same guy who doesn’t know what love is and certainly don’t believe in Santa Clause.





1 Comment »

  1. A twist to what I believe is a desire to let out some deep rooted pain that is sadly still embedded within.
    A good start to the healing process, kudos!

    Comment by Nde lema — October 6, 2011 @ 7:56 am | Reply

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